Have I taken my family down too?

As things have become to clearer for me, I worry that my depression has and/or will have a negative effect on my wife and boys. I know that my wife reached the “end of her rope” many times during the summer and fall of 2006. I love my wife deeply and want to spend the remainder of our years traveling the “adventure” together. See my previous post entitles “Family and Depression” for a link to a very good two page article about the effects of depression on other family members.

While my wife and I are both analytic by nature, our childhood experiences have led us to have different outlooks on the future. More often than not my wife is more pessimistic (the glass is half-empty) and I am more optimistic (the glass if half-full), which I believe helped me hide my depression, believe I was making progress (even when now it looks like I was only able to slow it down at a plateau), and probably hide the depth of my depression during diagnosis and treatment.

For as long as I can remember I have been a procrastinator, which became much worse as my depression progressed. My inability to follow through on many everyday activities eventually created significant problems for my wife. I believe, the worst for her was (and is) always around my failure to communicate with my employer and/or financial issues. Primarily due to a bad reaction to my medication (more in another post), just before June 2006 I took a leave of absence from work (another topic for a later post). Fortunately, I was employed by a very compassionate company (rarely shown in the media now a days – the subject for yet another post), so our financial picture did not look any worse until almost Christmas time.

My condition did not appear to be getting any better, I did not have the classic depression symptoms (e.g., stuck in bed all day), I made no signs of interest in getting myself back into work mode, and even failed to complete many little tasks I had around the house; however, I would loose myself sometimes into some type of research on the internet or working on something for the Cub Scouts (both of which I could control my involvement, set my own pace, be “functional” yet avoiding whatever). In all honesty, now most of the last year is just a blur. From the outside I am sure it just looked like I was being lazy, which I brought up to my Psychologist more than one. How could I be a college graduate and been successfully employed (including promotions) for over 20 years at only a few companies yet be “lazy.”

Through this time I believe my wife’s frustration grew as my eternal optimistic outlook believed that everything would work out in the end (most likely even for the better) while her pessimistic view saw us heading down a dark path without any positive outcome at the end. While I know she knew something was wrong with me because more than once she would say “you just do not seem to be the same,” I am also sure there were times she would think “he is doing some thing, why does he not just put that into work, so our life can go forward.” I can only imagine that more than once she thought something along the lines of “he does not appear to be that bad; therefore, his lack of interest in providing for me and our kids must be a sign that he no longer cares for and/or loves me.” While this is only my perception, I am now aware of the possible problems my depression could have on my wife and including in my recovery plan is encouragement for my wife to get the support she needs from friends, family, and, if needed, outside counseling.

In my current study of Wild at Heart I am remembering many events/activities from my youth that I want to provide similar experiences to my two boys. Neither boy is showing signs of negative effects from my depression; however, I am sure they will not come through completely unscathed. Now understanding more about my problems with depression, will allow my wife and I to watch for possible signs in my boys as they get older and mature into adults. Eventually, I expect this blog will help them to understand my fight with depression.