Pessimism versus Optimism

After my recent post “Have I taken my family down too?” my wife and I had a discussion about these terms. I realized that we used the words with slightly different meanings and that there is a perceived value of “bad” associated with pessimism and “good” associated with optimism; however, neither has any value of “good or bad.”

In looking at these words, I consulted the Miriam-Webster OnLine for the definition of both words:

Pessimism: “an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome”

Optimism: “an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome”

From John Gray’s “guide” Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, “Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicated, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different.”

Women inherently are nest builders, caregivers, protectors of the young, etc., which value security, stability, and a “realistic” vision of the future. A more pessimistic view is needed to accurately meet these values.

Men inherently are adventurers, fighters, protectors of the family, etc., which value aggression, fierce, danger, and a “rose-colored” vision of the future. A more optimistic view is needed to accurately meet these values.

I do not want to imply that there is not some pessimism in men or that women lack optimism; however, our “programming” frequently gives us different vantage points.

I recently heard a story that illustrates my thoughts: A young boy about five years of age (wearing all of the appropriate safety equipment) was about to ride his skateboard down the slide attached to one of those little plastic climbing toys less than three feet off the ground (e.g., Little Tikes) and across the patio. Just as he took off on his skateboard both his mother and father look out of the house to see him go. The mother shouted “NO!” because her pessimistic programming kicked in and all she could see was a fall, crying, skinned body parts, or even worse. The father called out “cool” because his optimistic programming with “rose-colored” glasses only allowed him to see the adventure and concurring danger.

If I told you about a young teenager that lives down the street always riding bikes and skateboards on/over/off of things frequently without paying attention to the surroundings, jumping off the roof of the family house, and thinking there is no need to buckle the bike/skateboard helmet, in your mind is this teenager male for female? I would guess that most of you figured it was a young man trying to come of age. As dangerous as some of these activities may be, he must have an optimistic (and maybe “unrealistic”) view to fulfill his place in life among men.

While I believe women are more pessimistic, I wholeheartedly believe my woman is “good.”

Morning Has Broken

While I have many topics in my mind for "Today’s Ramblings," I want to plug a book I am reading now (squeezed in between three others). Morning Has Broken is the firsthand description of Phillip Aronson’s experience with major depression along with Emme Aronson’s description of her life as wife, mother, and caregiver during Phil’s depression. I believe there are many parallels that can be taken from this book to any family experiencing depression, even less severe cases like mine.

In a number of places Emme provides tips on how she wishes she had been more active in Phil’s treatment, 20/20 hindsight, Monday morning quarterbacking, and/or the classics “I wish I knew then what I know now.” While I know this may sound strange, luckily for the rest of us she was not more active and Phil’s depression was life impacting. Because if not, I am sure they would not have felt the need to write this helpful book, which I believe is in God’s plan to help men and their families deal with the depression illness.

Emme and Phil also have a Wellness Coaches page with additional information. There is a podcast interview with Emme and Phil about the book, which is interesting. I think the video series is an excellent overview of depression the disease and its effects on others. The podcast and all of the videos (11 in total) can be reviewed in under 30 minutes and it is well worth your time. While this “coaching” may be beneficial to the person with depression, I think it is excellent for those that have taken on the roll of caregiver and anyone else interested in learning more about depression. Unfortunately, there is not much else available on this site at this time.

Have I taken my family down too?

As things have become to clearer for me, I worry that my depression has and/or will have a negative effect on my wife and boys. I know that my wife reached the “end of her rope” many times during the summer and fall of 2006. I love my wife deeply and want to spend the remainder of our years traveling the “adventure” together. See my previous post entitles “Family and Depression” for a link to a very good two page article about the effects of depression on other family members.

While my wife and I are both analytic by nature, our childhood experiences have led us to have different outlooks on the future. More often than not my wife is more pessimistic (the glass is half-empty) and I am more optimistic (the glass if half-full), which I believe helped me hide my depression, believe I was making progress (even when now it looks like I was only able to slow it down at a plateau), and probably hide the depth of my depression during diagnosis and treatment.

For as long as I can remember I have been a procrastinator, which became much worse as my depression progressed. My inability to follow through on many everyday activities eventually created significant problems for my wife. I believe, the worst for her was (and is) always around my failure to communicate with my employer and/or financial issues. Primarily due to a bad reaction to my medication (more in another post), just before June 2006 I took a leave of absence from work (another topic for a later post). Fortunately, I was employed by a very compassionate company (rarely shown in the media now a days – the subject for yet another post), so our financial picture did not look any worse until almost Christmas time.

My condition did not appear to be getting any better, I did not have the classic depression symptoms (e.g., stuck in bed all day), I made no signs of interest in getting myself back into work mode, and even failed to complete many little tasks I had around the house; however, I would loose myself sometimes into some type of research on the internet or working on something for the Cub Scouts (both of which I could control my involvement, set my own pace, be “functional” yet avoiding whatever). In all honesty, now most of the last year is just a blur. From the outside I am sure it just looked like I was being lazy, which I brought up to my Psychologist more than one. How could I be a college graduate and been successfully employed (including promotions) for over 20 years at only a few companies yet be “lazy.”

Through this time I believe my wife’s frustration grew as my eternal optimistic outlook believed that everything would work out in the end (most likely even for the better) while her pessimistic view saw us heading down a dark path without any positive outcome at the end. While I know she knew something was wrong with me because more than once she would say “you just do not seem to be the same,” I am also sure there were times she would think “he is doing some thing, why does he not just put that into work, so our life can go forward.” I can only imagine that more than once she thought something along the lines of “he does not appear to be that bad; therefore, his lack of interest in providing for me and our kids must be a sign that he no longer cares for and/or loves me.” While this is only my perception, I am now aware of the possible problems my depression could have on my wife and including in my recovery plan is encouragement for my wife to get the support she needs from friends, family, and, if needed, outside counseling.

In my current study of Wild at Heart I am remembering many events/activities from my youth that I want to provide similar experiences to my two boys. Neither boy is showing signs of negative effects from my depression; however, I am sure they will not come through completely unscathed. Now understanding more about my problems with depression, will allow my wife and I to watch for possible signs in my boys as they get older and mature into adults. Eventually, I expect this blog will help them to understand my fight with depression.

Helping someone with depression

beyondblue Fact Sheet 1 provides information to family and friends about how to best help their loved one deal with depression.

Family and Depression

The March 2002 edition of Psychology Today Magazine has a good short article, "Action Strategies: Family and Depression" by Ellen McGrath about the devastating effects depression can have on a family because it can become infections, spreading from one family member to another similarly to a cold or flu.