Cover article

Newsweek’s cover article is entitled Men and Depression appeared in my mailbox today. It’s a funny thing, I typically do not subscribe to Newsweek but received on of those free convert your expiring airline miles a few months ago and had forgotten I had picked Newsweek until it started showing up about three weeks ago. Sometimes there is a lot to be said for timing. I actually became aware of the article last night and read it through once on-line but wanted to see the printed copy before making any comments. It is amazing how fast thing move in today’s world. I like the article and found much of the information to be consistent with my findings during the last few months. One interesting tidbit is that my printed copy of Newsweek does not have a single advertisement for depression medications, which takes away from some of the conspiracy theories mentioned in the on-line comment section.

Interestingly enough, if I had taken the “simple screening test for doctors to use: Over the last two weeks, have you been bothered by either of the following problems: (a) little interest or pleasure in doing things? Or (b) feeling down, depressed or hopeless?” over a year ago I would have answered “no” to both questions. Now looking back now with 20/20 hindsight (okay maybe not yet 20/20 but definitely less blurred vision) I probably could have answered “yes” to both but to me these two questions are still more appropriate for women then men.

When I first visited my employer’s EAP to try to figure out why I had uncontrollable shaking in my arms. For some reason I realized that it was not just a physical problem and the umpteenth letter of introduction from the EAP company was safely tucked away on a corner of my desk (it turned out to be a year old…so maybe I did not come to my realization as quickly as I should have). Eventually I stumbled into the section of the EAP website that talked about depression and I was surprised when many other symptoms that I would never have suspected were related to depression I had been suffering with for over a year. I took their on-line depression test which gave me a definite “maybe” result but I had not realized at the time that my reasoning ability was skewed.

It took all of the nerve I had to call the help line and discuss the situation with the doctor. Luckily for me I was quickly put in contact with one of head doctor’s who agreed that is sounded like I definitely was a “maybe” for depression but the only accurate method was to visit a psychologist for a complete “by the book” screening. All that they ask was that I commit to making the first appointment and that I agree to give serious consideration to has advice. I agreed and within an hour our two I had an appointment to meet my therapist the next day (a Friday).

At that time I thought telling my wife that I may be depressed was going to be even more difficult than talking to the doctor 3,000 miles away by phone. As it turned out this was much easier than I had anticipated, my wife was very supportive and had known there was something wrong with me for some time. She was very supportive but we both agreed to keep quiet about the situation.

While the results of my “by the book” evaluation was a little more definitive than “maybe,” I was considered to have more of a moderate level of depression, so while I knew something was wrong, I’m not sure I bought into the diagnosis completely. In all honestly, I think there was a small part of me that continued to hold some of the historic views about men and depression being a made up problem. That is until recently when I have turned the corner and can see how screwed up my thinking really was. More on that later.

Back to the article. I applaud Newsweek for bringing front page attention to the problems men have in determining, getting help, and continued social stigma around being depressed. As I have told many people, I know that I never felt sad, unhappy, blue, or any of the other terms typically associated with depression (particularly in women) and I doubt many other men have either. Or, at least we would not use those words to describe how we feel or “don’t feel.”

I will probably have some thoughts another time about the interesting on-line comments provided about the article. It is apparent that many people still struggle believing depression is a medical issue and some of the stereotypes continue.

Body Scorecard

Along with improving mental health is the need to improve physical health too. This can be very difficult for anyone, especially those suffering from depression. I have decided to use the Eat, Drink, and Weigh Less Body Score Quiz (body scorecard) to monitor my progress. My goal is to improve my habits for long-term health benefits. Each week (Monday) I will calculate my score and post it on this blog. My current goal is to obtain and maintain a score of at least 20 for four consecutive weeks.

High Score – 16 (February 19, 2007)
Low Score – 9 (January 22, 2007)

Still looking for increased suicide rate clues

In Turkey they think suicide rate is increasing because of a migration from the rural to cities as reported in the Today’s Zaman article, which is different that the belief held by the Australian government in their concern about suicide among the rural men, as noted in the “beyondblue” September 2006 advertising campaign.

All I really need to know about depression recovery I learned in the first few sessions of therapy…

This posting’s title is a take off of the book title, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, which I have heard about but never read (sorry Mr. Fulgham).

After being diagnosed with dysthymia disorder around September 2005, I started counseling where I think I have previously stated that I figured it would take a few weeks for me to get my “head” aligned and I was back to being “normal.” My therapist and I started working through Feeling Good by David Burns.

An outline of my course of action (as best as I can recall) was the following:

• Get out for one-on-one or small group activities with men at least three times a week (I’d become isolated)
• Get some exercise (even mild exercise) at least three times a week
• Set some realistic goals for outstanding tasks by breaking activities into smaller to compliable pieces
• Take an active part in learning more about depression as to become the “expert” in my own cause
• Allow the “therapy” of work to assist in lifting my depression (eventually I needed a break)

Now looking at this apparently simple course of action, I cannot understand how and why it took over a year for the pieces to come together for me to be able to complete all five of these actions within one week. Frequently I would get started on two or three actions but either was not capable of follow through or lacked the stamina to continue as another activity was added.

Luckily, with time I was able to start to put the pieces together and day-by-day I gain renewed confidence that my current path will lead to recovery.

When Depression Lingers

Familydoctor.org has a short article covering dysthymic disorder, which touches on the whats and hows of the disorder.

Pessimism versus Optimism

After my recent post “Have I taken my family down too?” my wife and I had a discussion about these terms. I realized that we used the words with slightly different meanings and that there is a perceived value of “bad” associated with pessimism and “good” associated with optimism; however, neither has any value of “good or bad.”

In looking at these words, I consulted the Miriam-Webster OnLine for the definition of both words:

Pessimism: “an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome”

Optimism: “an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome”

From John Gray’s “guide” Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, “Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicated, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different.”

Women inherently are nest builders, caregivers, protectors of the young, etc., which value security, stability, and a “realistic” vision of the future. A more pessimistic view is needed to accurately meet these values.

Men inherently are adventurers, fighters, protectors of the family, etc., which value aggression, fierce, danger, and a “rose-colored” vision of the future. A more optimistic view is needed to accurately meet these values.

I do not want to imply that there is not some pessimism in men or that women lack optimism; however, our “programming” frequently gives us different vantage points.

I recently heard a story that illustrates my thoughts: A young boy about five years of age (wearing all of the appropriate safety equipment) was about to ride his skateboard down the slide attached to one of those little plastic climbing toys less than three feet off the ground (e.g., Little Tikes) and across the patio. Just as he took off on his skateboard both his mother and father look out of the house to see him go. The mother shouted “NO!” because her pessimistic programming kicked in and all she could see was a fall, crying, skinned body parts, or even worse. The father called out “cool” because his optimistic programming with “rose-colored” glasses only allowed him to see the adventure and concurring danger.

If I told you about a young teenager that lives down the street always riding bikes and skateboards on/over/off of things frequently without paying attention to the surroundings, jumping off the roof of the family house, and thinking there is no need to buckle the bike/skateboard helmet, in your mind is this teenager male for female? I would guess that most of you figured it was a young man trying to come of age. As dangerous as some of these activities may be, he must have an optimistic (and maybe “unrealistic”) view to fulfill his place in life among men.

While I believe women are more pessimistic, I wholeheartedly believe my woman is “good.”

Morning Has Broken

While I have many topics in my mind for "Today’s Ramblings," I want to plug a book I am reading now (squeezed in between three others). Morning Has Broken is the firsthand description of Phillip Aronson’s experience with major depression along with Emme Aronson’s description of her life as wife, mother, and caregiver during Phil’s depression. I believe there are many parallels that can be taken from this book to any family experiencing depression, even less severe cases like mine.

In a number of places Emme provides tips on how she wishes she had been more active in Phil’s treatment, 20/20 hindsight, Monday morning quarterbacking, and/or the classics “I wish I knew then what I know now.” While I know this may sound strange, luckily for the rest of us she was not more active and Phil’s depression was life impacting. Because if not, I am sure they would not have felt the need to write this helpful book, which I believe is in God’s plan to help men and their families deal with the depression illness.

Emme and Phil also have a Wellness Coaches page with additional information. There is a podcast interview with Emme and Phil about the book, which is interesting. I think the video series is an excellent overview of depression the disease and its effects on others. The podcast and all of the videos (11 in total) can be reviewed in under 30 minutes and it is well worth your time. While this “coaching” may be beneficial to the person with depression, I think it is excellent for those that have taken on the roll of caregiver and anyone else interested in learning more about depression. Unfortunately, there is not much else available on this site at this time.

Page One

I’m from Orange County, CA, USA, and was diagnosed with dysthymia depression in the Fall of 2005 and probably been unaware of the conditions for years previously. While seeking help, I continued to slide downhill until the end of 2006. Now I am slowly crawling my way back up.

I have found it very difficult to obtain information about “depression in men” especially the less severe dysthymia disorder. In response to my search and as part of my treatment, I have created this small blog to organize the information I have read, collected, etc. Please let me know if you have any information, links, bulletin boards, etc. that would be helpful for me and other men.

I am using this blog as part of my therapy; thereby, sharing many of my private thoughts, which includes the people in my life. While I have not used names, I have needed to use informal nouns (e.g., wife, dad, son, etc.). For those of you that know me, you will know the people I am talking about, which could even be you (especially the closer you are to me). I now ask for forgiveness if there is anything in here that is upsetting to you and hope that you can understand that I share these thoughts and/or events as an effort to assist me in my recovery and possibly to help others to see my perspective on things.

I have made every effort not to dwell on any “negative” items but sometimes my perspective may not always have been (or is) the most positive. I truly love you all and while not spoken enough, I am very fortunate and thankful God has included you in my life.

Have I taken my family down too?

As things have become to clearer for me, I worry that my depression has and/or will have a negative effect on my wife and boys. I know that my wife reached the “end of her rope” many times during the summer and fall of 2006. I love my wife deeply and want to spend the remainder of our years traveling the “adventure” together. See my previous post entitles “Family and Depression” for a link to a very good two page article about the effects of depression on other family members.

While my wife and I are both analytic by nature, our childhood experiences have led us to have different outlooks on the future. More often than not my wife is more pessimistic (the glass is half-empty) and I am more optimistic (the glass if half-full), which I believe helped me hide my depression, believe I was making progress (even when now it looks like I was only able to slow it down at a plateau), and probably hide the depth of my depression during diagnosis and treatment.

For as long as I can remember I have been a procrastinator, which became much worse as my depression progressed. My inability to follow through on many everyday activities eventually created significant problems for my wife. I believe, the worst for her was (and is) always around my failure to communicate with my employer and/or financial issues. Primarily due to a bad reaction to my medication (more in another post), just before June 2006 I took a leave of absence from work (another topic for a later post). Fortunately, I was employed by a very compassionate company (rarely shown in the media now a days – the subject for yet another post), so our financial picture did not look any worse until almost Christmas time.

My condition did not appear to be getting any better, I did not have the classic depression symptoms (e.g., stuck in bed all day), I made no signs of interest in getting myself back into work mode, and even failed to complete many little tasks I had around the house; however, I would loose myself sometimes into some type of research on the internet or working on something for the Cub Scouts (both of which I could control my involvement, set my own pace, be “functional” yet avoiding whatever). In all honesty, now most of the last year is just a blur. From the outside I am sure it just looked like I was being lazy, which I brought up to my Psychologist more than one. How could I be a college graduate and been successfully employed (including promotions) for over 20 years at only a few companies yet be “lazy.”

Through this time I believe my wife’s frustration grew as my eternal optimistic outlook believed that everything would work out in the end (most likely even for the better) while her pessimistic view saw us heading down a dark path without any positive outcome at the end. While I know she knew something was wrong with me because more than once she would say “you just do not seem to be the same,” I am also sure there were times she would think “he is doing some thing, why does he not just put that into work, so our life can go forward.” I can only imagine that more than once she thought something along the lines of “he does not appear to be that bad; therefore, his lack of interest in providing for me and our kids must be a sign that he no longer cares for and/or loves me.” While this is only my perception, I am now aware of the possible problems my depression could have on my wife and including in my recovery plan is encouragement for my wife to get the support she needs from friends, family, and, if needed, outside counseling.

In my current study of Wild at Heart I am remembering many events/activities from my youth that I want to provide similar experiences to my two boys. Neither boy is showing signs of negative effects from my depression; however, I am sure they will not come through completely unscathed. Now understanding more about my problems with depression, will allow my wife and I to watch for possible signs in my boys as they get older and mature into adults. Eventually, I expect this blog will help them to understand my fight with depression.

Bad afternoon

Saturday was not a great day for me yesterday. I spent some time in the morning with my boys then about three hours vacuuming and helping to clean the house for company coming on Sunday afternoon. I really got down in the afternoon for some reason. Around 4:00PM I almost fell asleep waiting for a haircut, which usually is a positive time for me because the boys and I have made getting a haircut into a “boys” outing for over 13 years (at least for me and my older son). Not only was I tired but I just felt “off” all afternoon. We caught an early dinner then headed over to an indoor rock climbing location to join my younger son’s Cub Scout pack where both of my boys joined about forty other boys, siblings and a few adults for over two hours of climbing walls to the ceiling “on belay” then riding the rope down. This year I did not climb because I have put on weight over the past few months and did not think I would enjoy it as much as I had previous years. I took the opportunity to take some photos of the boys (mine and others) climbing up down and all around. It was really great to see my older son (now 14) climb up all of the walls quickly and even be challenged by the staff members to follow some of the more difficult paths. While it was only a few hour get together, I found myself getting energized from the kids and visiting with friends.

I do not want to be a lobster

Those of you that live on the East Coast will need to confirm the truth of this, but I have heard that you can put a lobster into a pot cold water then turn up the heat and it will just sit there until it is cooked; however, if a lobster is dropped into a pot of boiling water it will try to climb out of the pot. I do not know if this is true or just a myth.

My experience with dysthymia is similar to that lobster’s experience when put in a pot of cold water. Slow and progressive, until eventually I was unable to participate in normal daily activities. Now that things have begun to progress for me, I see that I had many of the classic dysthymia symptoms (insomnia, low energy or fatigue, poor concentration or indecisiveness, and most recently overeating) but also some of the symptoms more frequently associated with major depression (anhedonia – inability to feel pleasure and thoughts of death or suicide).

As John Eldredge says in Wild at Heart men are posers… “Most of what you encounter when you meet a man is a façade, an elaborate fig leaf, a brilliant disguise.” Over the years of the slow “heat” of dysthymia, since I did not realize what was going on inside me, I became very good at hiding my symptoms of depression. In addition to being able to hide depression from me and others, I believe through avoidance, I was able to put a little more power into my batteries as overall there was a slow drain that eventually caught up with me and ending up discharged.